Well, now I know how much I weigh.

I was updating My Fitness Pal. Even though I am not dieting or counting calories, I wanted a rough estimate of what I should be eating and compare it to what I actually eat. I was eating about a thousand calories a day MORE than what was recommend to just maintain my weight. Considering I had daily binges, this shouldn't BE a surprise. I'm also 15 pounds heavier than I even thought I was.  I guess it is progress in the body love department that I didn't see every pound cling on and still don't mind how I look naked. This is all a quest to fit the pants I currently have, not some dream "skinny clothes."

The past year has been a body love pilgrimage for me. I really hadn't stepped on the scale much and this summer I bought all new clothes to fit the body I had (at the time) rather than trying to lose weight to fit the clothes I had. And now I don't fit those. But what's different this time, is I don't feel like a failure or worthless or a fat pig. Like most things in my life, I took it a little too extreme and gained an unhealthy amount of weight in a short time. I really don't even want to know my cholesterol right now considering all the fast food I've eaten. Which totally reminds me I need to donate platelets soon (I get a free blood work up every time I donate). But I can say it was fucking delicious and I enjoyed every last bite.

I am hoping this new found love of body will help guide me as I rein in my eating. I really am only the size I am because of what I eat and the fact that I move about as much as a turnip in a stew (they typically sink to the bottom). I don't have diabetes or a thyroid condition or POCS. I simply choose not to be physically active and shove my face whenever I am bored.  Because of this, weight gain was typically a deep self hating experience followed by weeks of restriction and punishment. I don't really know how to cut back without going anorexic (I literally mean that, I'm not using a mental illness as hyperbole).

So let's try moderation. It's a new concept for me and I hope that by seeing the cutting back not as punishment for gaining weight, but rather a solution to pants that are too tight, I can avoid the cycle of self hatred that always ends up with me doing lines of cheesecake.